I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
