I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
