Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
