life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
