Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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