the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
