so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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