I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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