gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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