hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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