the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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