Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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