Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
