OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
