chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Small penises have feelings too.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
