worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
