We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
