I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
