my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
