Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
