Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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