My balls are so social today.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
