either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
