If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
