so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
