This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
