theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The best revenge is premature balding
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
