Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
