I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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