You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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