the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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