how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize