Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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