the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
