So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
