made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
