just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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