I met the friendliest cop last night
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
