He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
