Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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