I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
4 words: hood of his car
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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