Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
