found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
