The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize