she woke up with a sticky ear
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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