five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
