Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
