I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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