I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
