So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish you could order shots online.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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