How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
