I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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