dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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