sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
