My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
